Save on your Heating Bill, The Rock n' Roll Way

There are more creative ways to cut your heating bill this winter. Here are a few suggestions.

• Have more one night stands and host more orgies. Body heat really warms a room.
• Consider opening a branding parlor in your house. Not only will the residual heat keep the place toasty, your electric bill is now a business expense you can write off.
• Cover your windows with aluminum foil. This will both retain heat and keep the alien rays from probing your brain.
  
• Smoke more. Crack, cigarettes, even cloves- everything helps.
  
• Instead of walking, slither around your carpet like a snake. The friction gives off heat. Plus, rug burn is sexy.
  
• Instead of baking down your GHB in the oven, hold a lighter under the cookie sheet instead. It takes longer to produce the powder this way, but I've found if you huff some superglue first the time passes quickly.
  
• Host the weekly black mass at your place. More candles means warmer witches.
• Running a meth lab out of your house is going to be too costly this winter, so stock up and keep it running 24/7 (dipping into your own supply if you need help staying awake) before the rates go up.